Swamp Ass

Well, it's here.  Swamp Ass season.  Anyone who knows me or, let's face it, has been within earshot of me at any time during the summer, knows I suffer from a debilitating condition called Swamp Ass.  What is Swamp Ass you ask?  It's when the bottom half of your body won't stop sweating.  Your butt crack and the inside of your thighs basically turn into a slip 'n slide.  A constant flow of sweat is present.  There's no point in wearing underwear because within about 5 minutes of being outside they are soaked, and all girls know what that can lead to.

I've tried everything just shy of never leaving my house.  I'm not kidding.  The really sad part is I have to go thru this bullshit every day.  I shower, I'm clean, I go outside to get into my car, I immediately start sweating, I turn the A/C on, I cool down, I get to my destination, I get out the car, I start sweating again, then I get inside and start the cool down process once more, all with drenched panties and pit stains. God help me if we are trying to sit outside somewhere!  I'm breaking out a fan, icing my hands down, chugging water (or booze) and incessantly wiping my face off with a handkerchief.  My sweat glands are in total overdrive.  I've put deodorant in places no stick of Secret should ever venture to.  I've used so much baby powder my vagina has been hidden under a layer of paste.
   

Of course the reason for this nonsense is because the heat and humidity in this state are like layers of texture.  You can feel them.  It's like there are millions of hair dryers on high dangling from the trees above.  Clouds of heat.  Magic legs.

And what's even more awful is I'm one of those women who sweats like a man.  I sweat in between and underneath my boobs, down my back, along my mustache, everywhere.  How fucking awesome is that?  Can you imagine?  Hi, I'm Karen.  I like animals, music, beer and the beach.  I'm really mellow and I love my life.  I sweat profusely in any place on my body with a crease or any place where skin touches skin.  We should get a drink sometime.  

One of my friends used to have a car with an air vent that was underneath the steering wheel, just at hoo level.  You know a woman designed that model.  I think all cars need one.  Next time you see a girl with her foot on the dash, she's improvising.