That's Not Really Comforting...At All

So, my girlfriend and I were talking about breakups the other night and we decided to make a list of all the comforting things that people say to you 5 minutes after your relationship ends that really aren't comforting at all.  5 minutes is just too soon.  How about you wait 10 minutes before you point out the things that sometimes can only be understood when you are out of the situation for a while, if they are even understood at all.  Here are some of our favorites.

Well that didn't take very long.  Didn't take very long for what exactly? One of us to figure out that the other one is a douche?  Who's the douche? Me or him?  This feels like an insult.  Consider the source and then you can figure out who the dickhead is.

Don't worry, there are plenty of fish in the sea.  So not what people are thinking about right after a break up.  If there are fish for you, there are fish for them, and no one wants to imagine their ex with someone else, not at first anyway...unless they're getting deflowered in jail. 

It's about time.  We all knew that was coming.  Hey, how about letting a bitch know the next time your crystal ball tells you their relationship isn't ending in a timely enough manner. Oh, and thanks for anticipating the demise of my relationSHIT. 

At least you found love.  Some people never do.  Who in the hell has never, ever found love? Convicts on death row have their pen pals falling in love with them all the time.  It's undoubtedly a warped form of love but whatever, love it is.  If you can't find someone to fall in love with you and vice versa, perhaps you need a lobotomy and a shower. 

I guess it just wasn't meant to be.  Really?  No shit. 

You guys weren't a good fit anyway.  Okay, well that's nice.  I already have a sneaking suspicion that I lack the ability to sense whether or not someone is an asshole when I first meet them.  You just reinforced that feeling.  This will definitely do me good, especially when I get back out into the dating world. No fear or trepidation here.

At least you found out it wasn't going to work sooner rather than later.  I guess it's easy to assume that when someone is in your life for a short amount of time, it will hurt less when they are no longer there.  I wholeheartedly disagree.  I once loved a man I only saw once.  When my time with him ended, my heart was broken, and the pain I felt was deafening. Sooner rather than later didn't make it any easier for me.  I must say vodka did tho. 

And last but not least...

One Upping.  You know that whole "oh, that's nothing - my husband left me for another man" sort of shit people say whenever you explain your situation to them.  They try and make you feel better by comparing their drama to your drama.  It's one thing to say "wow, I totally understand what you are going thru" but it is quite another to demean the extent of my emotional damage by overshadowing it with yours.  Shut your pie hole and just listen why don't ya. 

Now, again, these little snippits of wisdom are fine and dandy once an appropriate amount of time has passed.  Also, be careful that the romance is actually over and that it's not just a momentary lapse of reason, or in most cases, a small window of clarity.

Knockin' on Heaven's Door

Aging.  It ain't for wussies.

There are a few things I would like to address that I strongly feel should be removed from the aging process entirely.

Chicken neck.  WTF?  Really?  In my opinion, this is a major fail in the evolution process.   I do not appreciate turning 40 and noticing my neck is starting to resemble a testicle.  Why not the back of the thigh?  At least you can hide that.  Also, do men even get this?  Or is it just one of the many injustices faced by women that men are fortunate enough to be completely exempt from?  I do believe this is my least favorite thing about getting older.

Skintags.  These are just nasty.  I would really like a medical explanation for this unsightly phenomenon.  Also, I've noticed they seemingly appear over night and in the most inopportune places, like armpits or the lower back area, or in my case, the dead ass center of my neck.  Sorry, I mean my chicken neck.  There is actually a product you can buy called "Tag Away" that will supposedly remove skintags. I find nail clippers work just fine and they are free.

Liver spots.  Also known as sun spots.  Now, I can see how the sun is a major culprit here, but the liver?  What in the hell does your liver have to do with brown spots on your skin? If my liver had anything to do with this process, my spots would be more like blisters and filled with vodka.

Sleeplessness.  "Older people don't need as much sleep" -  I find that in my case, the total opposite is true here.  I feel as though I could sleep more now than ever, but usually my body starts aching if I lay in bed for too long, especially my lower back.  This is just shitty.  Dear God, I'm sorry for all the times when I was little that I didn't want to take a nap.  If I could just have those hours of sleep back now, I would really appreciate it.  Thank you. 

Rogue hairs.  Okay, seriously, this is nothing but a disgrace to woman everywhere.  While they are usually ridiculously long and most of the time black, again, the location, not okay.  90% of the time they are on our chins and jawline!!  That's just wrong on so many levels.  Add to this that we are going blind and can't even see the hairs and it's just down right insulting.  I don't even know what else to say about this.  

Wrinkles.  Last and least for me is wrinkles.  I am a very animated person and I maintain exaggerated facial expressions all day long, so it's no surprise to me that my face resembles a Shar-pei's.  I would be a liar if I said I didn't think about them from time to time, but, given my personality and how much I love making people laugh, to me they are a small price to pay for bringing a bit of joy into the world.

House of Flies

Some people fight crime, some people fight fires, some people fight for animal rights and human rights...I fight flies.  I do fight for animal rights too though.

A while back my BFF Heidi and I were sitting on my couch when we noticed there were some strange little rat turd looking things in front of my fireplace.  We picked them up and did a full scale examination on them, breaking one open and conducting a seemingly endless search on Google images, before coming to the conclusion that they were fly pupae.  Fly pupae.  I had no idea how they got there so I just chucked them in the trash and went on with my fabulous life.  I should let you know right now that my fireplace is non-functional.  It's been closed off with some fiberglass looking shit and a piece of board.  It is for decoration purposes only.

Well, fast forward 3 weeks to this past weekend.  I walk into my house on Thursday and what do I see?  An abundance of flies all over the place.  There were at least 10 on my curtains.  They were in the windows.  I saw a couple on my furniture.  Oh my God it was so disgusting.  Because I haven't seen a fly swatter since like 1990, I ran around killing them with a magazine.  Fly carcasses everywhere.  I felt like my house was infected, like it was a holding cell for nasty dirty fly diseases...Encephalitis, Salmonella, HIV, whatever else the little fuckers carry around.

Okay, I am well aware that flies are not transmitters of the aforementioned diseases, but when you come home and find a village of them in your house, you start to feel as though the plague is knocking on your door.  

Yeah, so, the next night - SAME THING.  Fly killing mad woman on the loose.  I finally had to call my bug guy and he came over and sprayed the hell out of the fireplace area.  He told me that something must have died way up high in there because there was no smell of death in the house. I was so incredibly grateful for this.  The no smell part that is.  Apparently, the poor little animal that had passed away in my chimney was almost gone.  It was no longer droppin pupae, it was droppin full on flies!

So for the rest of the weekend I had to deal with a few more of the little buzzers here and there, but then that was that and they were gone.  

Now, because I believe that something positive comes from all experiences, there was a silver lining, even to this little fiasco.  Obviously I had to do a serious vacuum job to eliminate all the dead fly bodies, and after that was done, I totally rearranged my living room furniture and I absolutely love it.  LOVE IT.  I wish I would have done it years ago but hey, regret is a useless emotion.  I am so very thankful for my happy, fly free, newly decorated home.