Spring Fling.

It's finally here.  The beautiful Spring, or as I like to call it, the beautiful Fling, because that's about how long this lovely time of year lasts before the heat steps in to take over.  Blink and that shit is gone, then before you know it my absolute favorite time of year will be upon us - Swamp Ass season.

One of the most enjoyable things to me is sitting outside on my front porch, listening to the birds sing.  "The Earth has much to say to those who listen."  That is a fantastic quote.  Beer has much to say to those who listen too, so another one of my favorite things to do is sit outside at a bar and day drink.  Notice how I didn't say get drunk.  I have stayed true to myself in that I have not been drunk since that night in November, and I must say it has been a wonderful experience.  At first I wasn't consuming any alcohol at all, but then I decided I didn't want to go to that extreme because I really do enjoy a glass of wine, a cold beer, or a really good cocktail, especially all at once. 

This is a very special month for me because a) Earth Day is on the 22nd, which of course is very near and dear to me even though every day is Earth Day if you ask me, and b) the 27th is the baby Piper's birthday, my BFF Jimmy's birthday, and my birthday, which I am extra happy about because I'll be 42 and I have an aversion to odd numbers.  Weird, right?  I know.  I don't know what the deal is there.  I've just always been that way.  What I do know is that I will be celebrating with all my amazing friends on the 26th and we will have a total blast, as always, even as I forgo the drunkenness.  Woo hoo! 

 

 

Gone Is A Four Letter Word.

I'm obsessed with making sure I don't waste things or run out of things.  Anyone that really knows me can tell you that I have a serious hang up with this.  I reuse paper towels and tissues.  I have no problem drinking water that's been sitting around the house for a couple of days as long as there's nothing floating in the cup.  I've had my car for 11 years.  I use the same towel for a week.  Sometimes I wear the same underwear to bed 2 nights in a row.  Whatever.  Listen, I shower every night before I go to sleep and I take them off in the morning because they are white, cotton, high-waisted briefs that I try not to wear out of my house anymore since receiving a serious amount of backlash from my friends once that became public knowledge.

I'm almost always in possession of several commonly used but not readily available items one might need at any given moment.  My purse is the size of a small goat.  I used to carry Lawry's with me but I gave that up when I realized it's just uncut MSG.  It's like I associate not having access to things or running out of things with suffering.  Like once these things are gone all hell will break loose.  Armageddon, on the spot.  Oh shit, there's only one roll of paper towels left!  How did this happen?  I can hear the warning sirens right now.  Everyone evacuate!  It's the end of the world as we know and I DON'T feel fine!

What in the hell happened to make me this way?  I would imagine it's probably because I was raised in a house we call the HamannMart.  It was (and still is) packed full of everything - food, toiletries, accessories - you name it and the HamannMart has it.  It is literally like stepping into a grocery store.  I am not lying when I tell you that before I go out and buy some random item like a frying pan or air purifier, I call my parents first and ask them if they've got one laying around taking up space.  Nine times out of ten they do.  My Dad has a knack for buying anything that says NEW or BOGO on it. There was never a lack of anything in my house when I was growing up. Something to be grateful for, no doubt.

So, just for fun, I thought I would give you a breakdown of what you are guaranteed to find tucked away in my small goat at least 99% of the time: make-up, chapstick, tweezers, nail clipper, band-aids, bobby pins, nail file, safety pins, hair ties, headbands (that's just in my make-up bag), wallet, checkbook, tissues, pen, paper, gum, eye drops, handkerchief, lotion, meds (advil, heartburn, pepto, sinus), thumb drive, iPod, dental floss, hand sanitizer, matches, toothpicks, sewing kit, screwdriver, tape measure, and last but not least, a bottle opener.  I know, right!  WTF?  I love it.

You should see the "shit, I drove my car into a ravine and now I'm gonna be stuck here for a while" emergency kit I have in my trunk.  I also have a full-on animal (big or small) rescue kit in there, which I am proud to say has saved the day on a few occasions.

Which means, the lesson for today is this kids - in the event there is an apocalypse and/or the world is about to end, stick with me and you'll go out in comfort and style.